SAINT CLOUD, FL – An anonymous tip was sent in today from the offices of Missional Wear. After the spread of yesterday’s news, the company decided to take the beard beanie back to the drawing board.
What expansion to this accessory could possibly match the hype of media exposure? Try a whole line of Reformed beard beanies. Throwing in a new marketing angle to this “dust up” will forecast the perfect storm.
Our source tells us that the new line up will not be released this fall but much earlier. While the date is still to be announced, the new line is no longer a seasonal item. The beard beanie makes for a functional, warm gift in cold weather but it will now be targeted to suit a more dire need.
If you were thinking of survivalist reality TV think again. Whether you are pogonotrophically challenged like Reformed heir to the throne, Barnabas Piper, or your facial hair grows in perfect Joe Dirt fashion like mine, this product is for you. These beard beanies are sure to keep your insecurities and sufferings from lack of beard at bay.
Here’s is a portion of the Memo tapestry sent out this morning at Missional Wear Headquarters:
Missional Wear Staff:
Why stop at Calvin beard beanies when there have been centuries of Reformed beards since? We will be focusing all of our energy on a loose timeline. Sketches have been made for the following.
John Wycliffe “Doctor”
John Calvin “The Calvinist”
Charles Spurgeon “The Prince”
B.B. Warfield “The Lion”
Douglas Wilson “The Mixed Bag Beard”
Joe Thorn* with cigar scented cologne
Mark Driscoll* still in discussion.
Expect to vote on prototypes no later than August 25.
Stay tuned for any further developments.