I sent this article in as a submission for a popular and hilarious Christian News Satire site today but wanted to share it here in case it didn’t make the cut. I hope you have a laugh at this, even if it is an obscure niche of a niche.


SAINT CLOUD, FL – Missional Wear issued a press release today, announcing a new product line slated for Winter 2016. Tentatively titled, the Calvinist Beard Beanie, this winter gear is soon to change things drastically for Christian leaders. In response, conferences everywhere, have arranged for an increase in their respective tissue budgets.

From the cries of fans of the beard beanie, a Phoenix has risen. The Calvinist beard beanie is set to hit the shelves this fall. The Calvin Beard is 2 feet long and comes to a beautiful point. Competitors with Missional Wear agree that their products will also be exclusively manufactured in gray.

The announcement ruffled feathers with some of strong language but no retraction will be issued. Representatives counter the controversy with even more forth rhetoric. “The Reformation of Winter Apparel is here to stay, at least for this season.”

From scarves to beards and everything in between, even those flipped polo collars, neck tattoos have had a hard time on the Christian Conference scene. Christian financial guru, (we will call him Dave Ramses) has even weighed in on the declining trend in the neck tattoo market. Ramses insists, “It’s time to reallocate your envelopes marked tattoo budget for at least one more season.”

What better to cover your TULIP neck tattoo than a warm beard beanie that doubles as an even more obscure Calvin reference. If this is sad news to you, do not let it keep you in the cold. Through gritted teeth and teary eyes, make your pre(destination)-orders now!

One thought on “Controversial Trend To Crash Neck Tattoo Industry

  1. That’s pretty good LOL! I was surprised (not) when a search on their site for the reformed theologian Arminius showed no results. The hall of fame only has their favorite theologians and leaders from church history? Shaking my head.

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